


Hiraeth

by winlark



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Ableism, Aftermath of Torture, Aftermath of Violence, Alcohol, Also the only Peter POV is the prolouge it switches to Sirius after that, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Angst, Attempted Murder, Blind Remus Lupin, Blood and Violence, Casual Ableism, Child Abuse, F/M, False Memories, Friends to Lovers, Gay Remus Lupin, Gay Sirius Black, Hurt Remus Lupin, Hurt Sirius Black, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, James Potter is a Good Friend, M/M, Memory Alteration, Memory Magic, Murder, Pregnancy, Remus Lupin & James Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Slow Burn, Smoking, Torture, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, Unplanned Pregnancy, Vomiting, Werewolf Sirius Black, Young Sirius Black, there is a lot of ableism and I just want that to be very clear
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:47:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 21,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29817594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winlark/pseuds/winlark
Summary: Off the coast of Wales lies an island hardly bigger than a thumb tack on a map. In Cordaline time runs different and wolves run free. Sirius Black, heir to the island and the wolf knows just how alluring the secrets of the island can be. However, bound by a promise to his best friend James Potter to never take the brand of the wolf, he will be tested when a far more sinister enemy comes into play and threatens the very people he holds most dear.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 10





	1. Prologue

_Blood of Black, wholly new;_

_Transform thy creatures,_

_Transform at thy will._

_Two to Anchor,_

_Six at Rest_

_Pelts to all who pass the test._

_Baby’s blood_

_And flower blossom._

_Blind eyes seen_

_And strife forgotten._

_Mix the matter to start anew_

_What once was granted can go askew._

Long before they had made their way to the island,the Noble House of Black was made of nothing but flesh and blood. Yet mortal as they were, they had been wealthy beyond dreams, and in turn, they had bought their legacy of stardust and unearthly matter. It was an even trade, so long as six members of the House of Black remained in their wolf form at all times, the rest were granted with long prosperous lives, with fortune unfounded in the natural world.

But this is not a story of such prosperity, rather how they came to lose it.

Peter Pettigrew Stood at the edge of the forest, his hands shaking and covered in blood that belonged to a world other than his own. It coated his hands not unlike molasses, and burned his flesh where it clung. He would have a hard time explaining the burns away, especially once the body was found, but first and foremost he had to make it out of the cursed forest alive.

“You have killed our Matriarch.” A soft voice called from the trees. Indeed, he could see a set of yellow tinted eyes, then a woman standing naked before him. “I should have your head for that boy.”

Peter took a deep breath. “Yes. I have. I have killed your Matriarch so a new lineage can claim your prize, but I think you already know that Bellatrix.”

“Clever boy.” She purred. She took three long and graceful steps towards him. While she was entirely predatory, Peter made an effort not to flinch. “So you are saying that he has sent you, that we serve the same master? That the time has come for the shift?”

“Yes.” Was all Peter need replied.

“Then where is your human sacrifice? Certainly you must know that she must be replaced?”

Peter swallowed, sweat building on his brow. The girl should have been here ages ago, as he had served her the tea just past noon. He had been dosing her for weeks now, tracking her nighttime wandering to see how quickly he could persuade her to end up in a place. The first few nights it had been the cliffs, then the light house, and finally the last two nights the meadow. She had followed his every whim to perfection, so the fact that she was not here was worrisome to say the least.

“Wolf got your tongue? Or have you messed up? Honestly I don’t know why our Lord would choose you of all people. So fickle, so wavering.”

“Shut up.” Peter said. “She is coming. I fed her the tea, just as instructed. And I am not wavering.”  
“You will when you see my cousin.” In a movement that was neither human nor canine, Bellatrix leaned forward, kissing his cheek. Then in a single blink she was back in the clearing, wearing her yellow wolf eyes.

“Peter?” A voice called out.

He turned to face her. The girl was slim, almost sickly so. It was of course a side effect of what he was doing, but he still felt bad about it. The face that had been so full of life before now had hollow cheeks and arms that looked boney and gaunt.

“I thought you had gotten lost, my wolf queen.” He said soothingly.

“No.” She said earnestly. “You told me not to be seen. James was at the lighthouse, so I had to go by the dark wood. But I am here.”

Peter felt his stomach clench. “Close your eyes. You won’t feel any pain. Repeat that back to me, you will not feel any pain.”

“I will not feel any pain.”

Peter took his chance. He lunged forward with his knife, slitting her throat with one fluid motion. Blood poured from the wound, but the girl did not look perturbed. Instead her pretty face looked somehow more peaceful than he had ever seen it before, even as the ends of her long blonde hair became tinged with red.

“That’s it.” He lowered her to the ground. “That’s it. This will bring you back to us.”

Bellatrix laughed “She won’t change. You’ll be able to see her for a time until the ritual is complete, but she won’t be here- not really.”

Peter did not answer. Instead he shifted the girl, positioning her inside the gutted wolf carcass before beginning to sew the animal shut. There would be hell to pay for what he had done, but that was a price he could afford to pay a different day. Today, he reminded himself, he had taken the first step towards freedom.

And his freedom he would take, no matter how dire the cost.


	2. The Bookmaker

On the first day he met James Potter, Sirius Black had promised himself that he would never take the brand of the wolf. However, it was times like these when that promise seemed skewed towards being annoying rather than being noble. It would seem that wolves, strictly speaking, could slip through walls to conduct their business at any hour they seemed fit. Not at an appointed eight in the morning which was too early to be civil or cognizant of ones surroundings.But yet due to a stupid promise he made when he was seven, he stood outside the bookmaker, warm cup of coffee in one hand, and a heavily weighed rucksack in the other.

It was no secret that he was something of a misnomer on the island, a creature that had a foot in both worlds but a handhold in neither. Brand or not, there was the noble wolf in his blood. It showed through in odd ways- the eyes that were such a alluring grey, that they either seemed almost black or virtually transparent depending on the light, his kept appearance that didn’t quite match any time yet seemed entirely timely upon him. He existed in the way that most people could only dream of- an elaborate series of unworldly things that seemed perfectly worldly on his person.

He was a fan of tailored things, velvet jackets cut to his figure, single bottles of champagne brought over from the mainland in ridiculously priced ice boxes. He lived, in many ways, as though he was a king. However those that truly knew him, knew that beyond the obnoxious bravado was something wholly and innocently human. 

“Mr.Black?”Xenophilius Lovegood asked, his voice timid. He was an odd fellow with hair gone white before his time, but he was the only person on the island who could braille a book.

“Sorry.” Sirius said. “You have my order?”

“Of course!” he replied, shuffling into his shop, waving Sirius in behind him. “Was up all night on finishing these, you’re my best client, well, my only client at the moment. I’m sure that will change though. Soon. Yes, soon. You can feel it in the air, the shifting of the ages! Tremendous time to be in books.”

Sirius shook his head in agreement, although he hadn’t a clue what Xenophilius was going on about. It seemed that Xenophilius, while well intentioned at heart, had gone into a business with no real outlet. His translations- to braille or any or the other sixteen languages he could read were brilliant, to say the least. However, on an island with a population that hadn’t changed much since the dawn of its existence, it was a talent lost.

Instead of trying to push the matter he sat his coffee down andbegan unpacking his rucksack as he always did on those cold Friday mornings for pickup. Today hehad five books that needed translating, four new books he had ordered from the Mainland on cultivating greenhouses with limited sunlight and one older book on the natural fauna of Cordaline. It was one of Remus’ favorites, that Sirius had somehow managed to destroy in an unfortunate situation that involved aover watered Venus fly trap.

Xenophilius looked at the stack, shaking his head. “You really do keep me in business. And before I forget, the three novels that you ordered last month and their original counterparts! Yes, great choices, I’m sure Mr.Lupin will appreciate them dearly!”

“He always does.” Sirius said with a smile before sliding the books into his bag, picking up his rapidly cooling coffee and slipping out the door back into morning fog. He downed the drink in two gulps before smooshing the cup and cramming it into the overflowing bin on Main Street, as he had done every Friday he visited the shop before. In two hours time he would meet Lily and Remus at the Library, but for now he was a King to his own undoing.

He took off at a sprint, smile on his face as he came out of Hogsmeade village.The Island in and of itself was easy enough to navigate with one main road that looped back on itself once you got to the other village of Godrics Hollow. It was born from the ocean in a shape that almost resembled a crescent moon,and most of it’s sixteen miles were vastly uninhibited, save for the wolves. Instead the entire heart of Cordaline was tucked between the two villages, four miles apart, with a single lighthouse on the backside of the crescent to keep ships from crashing into it’s always foggy shores.

For as long as anyone on the island or otherwise could remember, the Potters had run the lighthouse. There was great debate if the wolves or the Potters had arrived to Cordaline first, and by any measure, they were equally important factors in the landscape.

“JAMES!” He yelled as he came up on the lighthouse and the cottage came into view. “JAMES POTTER GET YOUR ARSE OUT OF BED!”

There was some commotion from the Cottage, although Sirius had the idea that it wasn’t James. As he pulled open the door his suspicions were correct. Not that James had ever made his way out of bed on his own accord. If it wasn't for Sirius, he'd spend half the sunlight hours asleep and the other half simply staring at the ceiling, either lost in a daydream or pining over pretty Lily Evans. 

“Here for breakfast dear?” Effie called in her sing-song voice.

“Nah, just James.” Sirius answered truthfully, slipping off his shoes and putting his bag down by the door.He had never been a breakfast person, and while Effie was a chef to be reckoned with, she was no match for his disdain towards the meal.

“Well it’s here if you’d like some. James is upstairs if you want to fetch him.”

  
“Still asleep?” He asked, although he knew the answer.

“As he does.” She said, turning back to the cooking eggs and sausages.

With that Sirius darted up the stairs and to the first bedroom on the left, crashing through the door without so much as a knock. James was fast asleep, oblivious to world. His glasses were still on, but askew across the bridge of his nose and he was still in the clothes Sirius had seen him in the night before- a red jumper and a pair of trousers that desperately needed a wash. 

“Ahem.” Sirius said, gently tapping him on the shoulder before sitting on the edge of the bed. “Lord Potter, Son of Fleamont and Euphemia, grand heir to the Island, it is good time you rose from your slumber!”

“Shut up.” James mumbled.

“I hear one miss Evans will be at the library today.” Sirius prompted.

And just like that, Jame was sitting up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “What about Lily?”

“It’s Friday, we’re suppose to meet her at the Library. I see the courting is going well if you’re this sleep deprived and have forgotten the day of the week.”

“Better than it’s going with Remus.” James said with a wicked grin. “You’re going to waste your fortune on books and never tell him how you feel. Pathetic, really.”

Sirius grabbed a pillow and lobbed it at James, catching him with immaculate timing as he combed his fingers through the tangle of black curls.

“I’m being serious mate, you gotta tell him. If I have to go through one more moment of either of you pining I’m going to lose it. Like proper lose it.”

“Fine.” Sirius agreed. “If you can get miss Evans to accompany you to the shrieking shack, I will swallow my pride, possibly ruin our entire friend group and publish my feelings for all to see in the Quibler itself. Better yet, I’ll get it tattooed across my chest!”

“The Quibblers still a thing?”

Sirius laughed. “I mean no one reads it, but I think I single handedly fund it, so there’s that.”

“Yeah, because you love-.” But James didn’t get to finish his sentence before being assaulted by another pillow, and then Sirius jumping on his back and tackling him to the floor. 

Life at the Potters was easy, and it was what Sirius had always dreamed a good life to be. Fleamont and Euphemia were by all accounts the closest thing to family that he would ever had, and he cherished those moments, like the one he was in now, where he felt as though he truly belonged. Never had he walked into the Black Family Estate and felt anything but a foreboding sense of dread. Here he could be open, be himself, and the Potters accepted him as he was without any facade.

Feeling as though James had served the allotted punishment for use of the banished l word, Sirius straightened his blue velvet blazer and tucking his shirt back into his trousers where it had become unruly. If James was an artist, all splattered paints and charcoal smudges, Sirius was a poet, with neatly kept lines, a basket full of discarded pages and a typewriter displayed just so.

The boys made their way down the stairs, where James proceeded to eat two sausages and four eggs. Sirius thought about asking James to at least change his jumper, but then thought better of it. It was _the_ red jumper, the one Lily had complimented him on two years ago and therefore had been dubbed the jumper of luck, despite the fact that there was a hole forming in the right cuff where James often worried at the seam.

“Come on.” He said after helping himself to a second cup of coffee for the morning. “We’re going to be late.”


	3. The Library

Lily and Remus were twenty minutes late to the library, which by any account was a small miracle. Lily lived across the street from Remus, so getting _to_ him was never an issue. Getting somewhere after that however, was a constant work in progress that required either Sirius’ cunning or the patience of a saint.

Unfortunately, she had neither.

“Oy!” Sirius said as they came in the door, Remus neatly folding up his cane. “What the hell took you guys so long?”

  
Remus found a chair and sat down “I don’t know if you realized, but I’m blind mate. Got lost, turned around. Ms.Evans was just too kind to say I walked the wrong way.”

Sirius grasped at his heart. “You’re blind?”

Lily smashed her bag down on the table. “Crab grass. It was crab grass.”

“It’s invasive.” Remus retorted.

“You’re invasive.” Lily mumbled.

Remus caught Sirius in the little bit of peripheral vision he had left and smiled at him then in his knowing sort of way. While he didn’t see everything, he could still see some things. He had been diagnosed with early onset macular degeneration three days after he was born, so for what it was worth, he didn’t feel as though he was missing out on much. 

And while boys could be rowdy and wild as the island itself, they never faulted him for not being able to see quite as they did. They made allowances as they saw fit, but they had also made a pact to never treat him any different than they were. So while Sirius spent his money on braille books, James gave him the play by play on any island sporting event, and Peter became the voice of reason if their charades got too reckless, Remus was treated the exact same as the lot of them.

This of course extended to seeing just how far Lily Evans could be pushed before she pushed back, but it was all in good fun. Sirius knew that in her heart she loved the four of them in their own way, and that if James would stop being so stupid, she would prove _exactly_ the way in which she loved him.

“Ahem.” Sirius said. “Now that our little spat is out of the way- by the way, thank you Evans as always for being the loyal guide to our dear friend- I have brought gifts to bestow upon you. For James, I gift you the knowledge that given Marlene Mckinnon and Sturgis Podmore’s tragic breakup,the shrieking shack should be unoccupied at present. To Lily, I give you the gift of an apology, for I too know the pain of crabgrass, and to Remus, I bring you the world in braille. Which it literally does weight about the same as the world mind you, so you might want to ask Madam Pince if you could leave a few here. And Peter- wait, where’s Peter?”

The group, suddenly realizing a member was missing, looked over towards the door, but not before James could blush and Lily could throw a particularly rude gesture towards Sirius.

“I was gonna say I bring him the knowledge that the pitch is empty and I plan to duel him to the death but apparently I won’t get my chance.”

“You know you don’t always have to bring me books.” Remus said, opening one book in the stack. “Great Expectations, nice.”

Sirius beamed. “You like it?”

Remus gave him a pointed look, but didn’t say any more. His finger began tracing through the pages, as if they were ready to devour him whole. Sirius took this as a good sign, and leaned back, only to hear James whisper in his ear. “I mean the shack might be occupied by others at this rate.”

And perhaps it was his imagination, but he could have sworn a hint of a smile crept across Remus’ face in that moment, although he knew it was most likely wistful thinking.

There was in fact nothing to say that Remus fancied him, but the flip side of that had always been the fact that there was nothing to say that he didn’t. When the Lupin’s had moved to the island two days before Remus’ 12th birthday, Sirius had been captivated by the other boy. Him and James- back when it was just him and James- had been sat in the back garden overlooking the sea when Fleamont docked the boat. He had asked the boys to be there, as the new professor had a son similar in age to the other two boys. It was only when Lyall Lupin stepped off the boat and extended his hand to his son that they realized that this boy wasn’t ordinary.

He had a white cane that tapped the boardwalk in front of him, and he quickly shrugged off his fathers steading arm as he made his way across the dock with unbridled enthusiasm. He reached the path leading to the cottage in record speed, only to stoop down when his cane gently tapped one of the bushes.

“Dad!” He had called out. “Can you tell me if this is native or not?”

Whatever happened next, Sirius didn’t remember quite clearly. James had nudged him and said “Come on.” And began dragging Sirius down the path to Remus Lupin. The boys had chatted for a bit, which was to say that James had done the talking while Sirius had stared dumbfounded. He didn’t know what it was about Remus that caught him so off guard; he was a good deal taller than either one of them, with hair such light brown that it could have been mistaken for a dark blond in some lighting. His eyes, while often unfocused, were a dark and muted green, almost like moss that laid undisturbed on the sea rocks by the shore.

But he knew in that moment that no one else would ever compare, not six years later where they stood now, and definitely not in this lifetime.

Sirius was snapped back to the present as Peter came tumbling in through the door. In typical Peter fashion, he was wearing a sweater that was inside out and a pair of jeans that were caked on the bottom inch with mud.

“Sorry I’m late.” He said, voice flat. “Got held up.”

“Ah that’s alright mate!” Sirius said, standing up and clapping him on the back. Peter flinched at the motion, and Sirius backed off quickly. “You 'right?”

“Yeah. Yeah.” Peter replied. “Yeah sorry just didn’t sleep well, it’ll pass.”

“It better.” James chipped it. “We have the pitch today, which incidentally will be the last day we have the pitch until this one’s family...” he nudged Sirius gently. “decides that us mere mortals have appeased them.”

The table fell silent for a moment, and Sirius felt as though he wanted to crawl out of his skin. Each year that passed, there was what the island called the Festival of the Wolves. It wasn’t really for the island per-se, but that didn’t mean that every islander didn’t know what was going on. It was the time where members of the Black family would shift into their earthly form, and pressure members unbranded to turn with the winter moons and walk in their wolf skins. It was blood and chaos that often led to the death of at least one islander at the wrong place at the wrong time, and Sirius hated it with every fiber of his being.

There were of course those who bore the name of the house Black that didn’t take the brand, however they were few and far between. Sirius had been scored for it, as had his cousins Narcissa and Andromeda. Narcissa had been lucky in that she married into another prominent island family- the Malfoy family-but Andromeda had been so bothered that she fled to the mainland into the arms of a man who had never even heard of Cordaline.

And while Sirius had often daydreamed about fleeing, he would never have, as he was pegged down firmly at all four corners, held together by his little band of Marauders and the righteous anger of a child who had never found kinship in his own family.

“Remus, you good to go?” Sirius asked, breaking the ice.

“Oh, yeah, this can wait.” Remus replied, slipping a napkin into his book and shutting it closed. “What shall we play today lads and lady?”


	4. The Game

In the end, Lily Evans ended up departing them for Marlene’s and it was just the four boyswho headed to the pitch. On the walk over they settled on a game of their own invention, something akin to blindfolded bowling, only with a football and several old cones. Each person would have one go, and two people would stand to the side calling directions. The key of the game was in fact to figure out which person was telling the truth, and then try to hit as many cones as possible with their direction. Each cone was worth ten points, but if a player led you astray, they were given ten points. Truly, it was a confusing system that even Peter’s mathematically inclined brain could rarely keep up with, but it was good fun that didn’t leave Remus out.

“Come on James, throw left!” Sirius chanted

“Nah mate, straight ahead!” Remus countered.

“You gotta angle left, thirty degrees, I’m telling you. Remus is lying, he can’t even tell you where to turn, come on man!”

“Well Sirius is being too technical, why would I be giving you degrees, throw the football Potter!”

In the end, James went with Remus’ misdirection, which awarded Remus ten extra points and what could only be described as a devilish grin. Next up was Sirius who scored thirty points with three cones down, then Remus who scored twenty points with two cones. Peter was last, scoring zero but earning James his first ten for a misdirection.

They went on like this for a good while, until Peter, who was definitely losing by Sirius’ account, started an argument with James that he was indeed ten points ahead of him instead of behind him. James, of course, countered with the fact that he was incapable of losing anything, while Remus wandered to the edge of the pitch to inspect something that was growing its way on to the field.

“Sirius?” He asked, as the other boy approached, kneeling down in the mud with him there.

“It’s me.”

“Thought so.” Remus said and went back to examining the plant.

“Is this the stuff you planted last year?” Sirius asked. It looked virtually like the Ivy that grew on almost every house in the area, but Sirius distinctly remember that there was something different. He itched at his left ear in frustration.

“Yeah.” Remus said. “Hedera helix. English Ivy, we have Boston Ivy in town which is…” He gestured at Sirius.

“Invasive?”

“Correct!” I’m trying to get Dad to scrape the house, and when he does, I’ll replant this in the garden and thus, the balance is restored. Although this isn’t a climbing variety, I haven’t found a source that I”m happy with.” He beamed then, turning towards Sirius.  
“Do you think you could get my onto The Black Estate for my next bit of civil disobedience? I’d kill to see what they have growing”

Sirius couldn’t help but smile back. “I could do you one better. Come with me to the Wolf’s Moon Party on Monday.”  
“Your birthday? The birthday party that you never go to?”

“Yeah, I don’t see the harm.” Sirius shrugged.

Remus considered this for a moment. “Where’s James gonna be?”

“Pining over Lily.”  
“Peter?”

“Keeping his secrets firmly to himself.”

“Where has he been recently?” Remus asked earnestly. “He’s been so distant, it’s weird.”

Sirius shrugged and unbuttoned his blazer, which suddenly seemed stifling hot. “Dunno.”

Remus went back to examining his Hedera helix, and Sirius leaned back, tilting his head back and letting his long black hair fall over his shoulders. Somewhere back on the pitch, the argument had led to shouting, and James possibly being hit with a cone, but Sirius couldn’t find it in himself to care. Had it been the other way around, he would have rushed to Peter’s defense, but he knew that James could handle himself and the ganging up would only alienate Peter further.

He had been the last addition the boys, and sometimes, as much as they denied it, it showed. He had always lived on the island, but it wasn’t until two years after Remus’ arrival that he finally had worked up the courage to inset himself into the group. He had walked up to the calmly, looked Sirius dead in the eye and said “My parents say you’re going to hell. Could I be your friend?”

Despite the fact that James’ had nearly throttled him, Sirius had found it kind of endearing. Now whether they thought he was going to hell for being of the Noble House of Black, or because in his early years he had had a questionable trait of screaming his sexuality from the rooftops during good Catholic hours was up for debate.Either way on that day Peter had completed the group and was there to stay, even if according to Peter himself he sometimes felt like a fourth wheel to a perfectly serviceable tricycle.

Remus looked over at Sirius then. “Why do you really want me to come?”

Even though he knew that he couldn’t really see him at this angle, he averted his eyes to the ground. “Why not? We’re mates.”

Remus puffed out a sigh of air, but if he meant to follow up with anything, it was interrupted by James.

“So what were you saying earlier about dueling Peter to the death, because I’d like to official offer my expertise.”  
Sirius rolled his eyes. “James quit it, he’s had a rough go at things, okay? Look at his parents, church every Sunday, class for hours after that. Never talk up, never talk back, look the wrong way and you get a one way ticket to the underworld. You can’t blame him for being a bit passionate, he can barely talk when he’s not around us.”

“You’re parents are absolute rubbish and yet here you are.” James retorted.

“Yeah James I don’t think that’s a great comparison.” Remus quipped.

“Fine. But when…”  
“Sorry I hit you with the cone.” Peter said, sitting down next to them. “Was a bit uncalled for.”

Just like that the anger seemed to almost drain from James’, and Sirius learned back, letting his head rest on the damp earth and letting his eyes close fully. Petty disagreements aside, his heart felt as though it had leapt into the clouds. Remus Lupin had said yes. Granted, it had been under the bribery of plants, but that seemed to hardly matter. He was happy as he could be, and if he had to endure his family for the please of Remus’ time, it was a price that seemed fit to pay.


	5. Proceedings

The one thing that Sirius had not considered was how exactly he was going to go about the prospect of going home. On principal he avoided his family, sleeping in one of the many unoccupied garden housesregardless of how cold they were or even in the crawl space above the school gymnasium on nights when the lack of a fire was too much to bare. His time at home was spent slipping into clean clothes and leaving his washing for the maids to do, skirting around the outskirts of the place like a banished spirit trying to find it’s way through wards and protections places against it’s very being.

And yet the party was tonight, and he no idea how to go about any of it.

He had talked to Remus briefly and promised to pick him up at six sharp and told him to not bother to eat anything. Thankfully, transport would be sorted quite easily, given the distance from Hogsmeade given the considerable distance to the Black estate. With some tinkering and a lot of swearing, him and James had managed to get the motorcycle he had imported last year running smoothly enough that it stopped and started without much fuss. In Sirius’ mind, it was as good as an act of God, given that he was the only person on the island who owned such a thing and there were no parts to speak of. Even the local mechanic, a young man named Frank, had just stared at the monstrosity the first time he had brought it round, him at the handlebars and James pushing from behind as the back tired was shredded and flat.

“You sure you want to do this mate?” James said. He was lounged across his bed, limbs splayed like a newborn fawn.

“I invited him so I suppose I have to.”

“You could take him to dinner?” James offered. “Or on a nice motorcycle ride to the beach?”

“I promised he could see the greenhouse, it’s the only reason he’s going.”

James rolled his eyes and picked up an issue of the Quibler that looked and smelled to be about as old as the Island itself. He wasn’t reading it- James did not bode well excess reading- but instead looking at the drawings of the new years tidings. The Quibler strictly speaking did not claim to promote fortunes, but every issue did contain a set of drawings in the back three pages that were of what Xenophilius claimed as visions of a new world- not that anything had ever come to pass.

“Anyways.” Sirius continued. “It’s my party after all, I might as well enjoy it.”

James stifled something between a sort and laughter, nearly choking in the process. “I’ve never been and I’m your best mate.”  
“Yeah, and nothing at that house interests you. If Peter took an interest in say, ancient sword relics, I’d bring him _.”_

 _“_ No you wouldn’t.” James said.  
“Okay yeah I wouldn’t. But I _could_. Which is the precise point that you are missing.”

James stood up from the bed, lazily tossing the quibbler aside and stepping infant of Sirius so he had no choice but to look him in the eyes. “This is getting ridiculous. Tell him you fancy him and stop dancing around the fact. You know it, I’m pretty sure he knows it, and everyone on this island can guess by the way you go about courting him. Just bite the bullet, I don’t know what’s so hard about it.”

Despite the heat that seemed to radiate up his body Sirius stayed calm. “Can we stop having this conversation? James you know it’s not that simple.”

“I think it is.” James replied. “Simple as the truth. Which you keep dancing around. Simple as the air you breathe and the words you speak. He likes you, I don’t know how else to get that through to you. He likes you.”

“Yeah. Simple as the air. Simple as the island.” Sirius replied in a knowing sort of way.

There was a gentle knock on the door then, which made both the boys jump slightly.

“James? James you in?” The voice called.

“ _Lily!”_ Sirius mouthed to James, who had gone beet red.

“Come in.” James managed to croak out, his voice much higher pitched than he clearly intended it to be.

She opened the door, her auburn hair catching the stray rays of sun that came in through the window. “Oh! Sirius I didn’t know you were here! I can come back later, I’m sorry. Happy Birthday, by the way.”

“No need.” Sirius said, and flopped onto James’ bed. “Feel free to stay. You know I’m basically the family pet, I’m like his emotional support wolf really.”

“I’m…” She looked back and forth between them. “You know I’m not even gonna respond to that. Remus is looking forward to tonight, Sirius. If you were wondering.”

“I don’t blame him- the greenhouse is fascinating.”

“Yeah.” Lily said. “No that’s….that’s not it Sirius.”

“I keep trying to tell him.” James quipped. “Also, Sirius why don’t you go help mum?” His eyes were almost murderous as he looked from Sirius to the door. “With hanging the washing or something? I”m sure she could really use your help. Downstairs.”

“She read reading, last I checked, the washing was hung when I came in.” Sirius responded with a shrug.

James sighed. “Sirius. I’m sure there’s something, anything you could do. The kitchen, perhaps! I’m sure the floors need scrubbing.”

His eyes met James’ and got the hint then. “Right. Yeah. Kitchen needs a good scrub, sorry.”

He leapt up with a devilish smile and made his way to the door. “Behave you two.”

“They’re perfect for each other.” He heard Lily say as he closed the door behind himself.

“Because they’re both annoying or because they’re both stubborn?” He heard James’ reply.

Just as he had thought Effie was sat in her armchair, reading a novel. He took a seat on the couch across from her, and although he did not speak he did help himself to the tray of biscuits she had laid out on the table. It was something so odd and so foreign to him in any other setting to just sit down and eat food laid out. He remembered as a child, when his mother would set out such displays, only to swat his or his brother’s hand away the moment they reached for one.

And yet, there were the Potter’s, who not only allowed him to eat but encouraged it. In his younger years he had sat on this very couch, sweat beading on his forehead as he looked from Effie to the Biscuits and back again. She had caught on quite quickly, offering them to him with a sad look on her face.

“It’s okay love.” She had said, patting his back gently. “Eat as many as you like. If you finish these there’s more in the cupboard, and if you finish those I’ll run right down to the store and get you more, yeah? No one goes hungry, not here.”

And while certain habits had never left him, the feeling as though he might go without simply evaporated the second he entered the Potter’s house.  
“Excited for tonight?” Effie asked him, putting her book gentle down on the reading table to her right.

Sirius shrugged and deflected the question. “You know your son has a girl up in his room, right? Pretty Lily Evans at that.”

Effie laughed. “Why yes I sent her up. I assumed you would stay up there, but regardless, I trust them just as I trust you.”

Sirius smiled and ate another biscuit.

“So about tonight dear…If there’s any sign of trouble, just give us a ring and we’ll be right up to collect you two. Right in a heartbeat, alright?”

“Thanks Effie.” Sirius said earnestly.

“Always.” She smiled at him, and picked her book back up.

Sirius relaxed back into the couch as there was little to do but wait. In an hours time, he would take a deep breath, put on the bravado he always wore like a shield and make his way to the Lupin house, but for now, he could just exist and that in and of itself was the best gift he could ever be given.


	6. The Ride

Just as he promised, Sirius drove up to the Lupin house at sharply six o’clock- not a second late. Remus was standing in the driveway, Lyall standing over him in the way that he always did. Despite Remus’ protest, Lyall guided him to the bike, muttering under his breathe all the while about the thing being a death trap.

“Dad. Dad, I’m fine. I can do it myself.” He said, jerking his arm free and snapping his cane closed.

“I know it’s dark but can you see the seat? A little bit?” Sirius asked.

“Uh, not really, but kind of.” Remus replied.

“Run your hands along it and down once you reach the end of the seat, there’s a bag where you can put your cane.”

Remus did just that while Sirius stared down Lyall, his eyes begging him to intercede. Much to Sirius’ delight, he seemed to have gotten the hint and had taken several steps backwards. As much as Sirius knew it came from a place of caring, there was nothing that irked him more than watching Remus about to bubble over with anger because he was not allowed to do something he was perfectly capable of doing.

“Have fun.” Lyall said as Remus touted the bike, his arms wrapping around Sirius’ waist. “And for the love of god Sirius do not crash that thing with my son on it.”

Sirius gave a whoop and revved the engine. “Ready?” He said.

“Yes. Happy birthday.” Remus replied with a laugh.

They tore through town far faster than they should have, screeching onto the main road as though they were runaways who had stolen the very essence of the night. Only once Sirius was sure that there were no cars around, did he pull the bike over to the shoulder of the road, turning it off.

“We’re here?” Remus asked.

“Not quite. I just wanted to try something, if you’re game.”

“Oh.” Remus said. “What did you have in mind?”

“Do you want to drive the rest of the way?” Sirius asked.

Remus burst into a fit of laughter. “Have you gone absolutely mad?”

“No.” Sirius said earnestly. “I’ll be right behind you, the road’s a straight shot, and we can just creep along. There’s no one coming- I promise. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t safe.”

“Okay yeah I do wanna drive.” Remus said.

Sirius grinned and dismounted the motorcycle, swinging his left leg forward over the front. Remus scooted forward, carefully finding each handlebar before Sirius got back on the bike this time behind him. The only thing he had not considered was that Remus was a good head taller than him, and Sirius had to lean ever so slightly to get a good enough view of the road. He could feel Remus tense slightly as he did so.

“Okay, so your right hand? That’s the throttle and brake. If you rotate it towards you, that’s the throttle. Push your fingers forward, and that level is the brake.You got it?”

Sirius watched as Remus, determined as ever, moved his hand back and forth several times, miming the actions. “Yep.”

“Okay.Pick your feet up, I have the bike. Can you find the footrests and then the pedals?”

"Found them.” Remus said.

“Right one controls the rear break. Left is going to feel a little different, but that’s your gears. You’ll press down into first and you’ll feel it click, then you’ll have to move it up to go faster, but we’ll probably stay in first to keep it safe.”

“You think this is safe?” Remus teased.

“I trust you.” Sirius said earnestly. “Alright left hand is the clutch, you’re gonna hold that down and we’re gonna start her up.

“Right, and how do I do that?”

Sirius walked him through the steps, making sure once again that he was comfortable where everything was. The motorcycle roared to life underneath them, and while they did lurch forward a few times, Remus was at large not a bad driver. Years of having to figure out and remember the placement of things on the fly meant that his muscle memory was able to adapt much quicker than Sirius’ had.

They moved at a steady pace, much much slower than Sirius had been going, but smoothly none the less. It was only a mile to the Black family estate and it took the better part of fifteen minuets. Sirius however never once let his eyes leave the road, and he was ready to take over, just as he had promised, if anything was to happen.

“Okay, we’ll park down her and walk up if you’re okay with that.” Sirius said. “I don’t want Regulus touching my bike.”

Remus agreed, and they managed to get the bike parked out of the way of the road yet not quite in the ditch. He fetched his cane and they began to make their way up the driveway and to the house, which was alive with the smell of roasting meat and the sound of laughter and music of a time gone by.

Although he desperately wanted to, Sirius did not reach for Remus’ arm. Instead he walked beside him, gently engaging him in conversation as the area became more well lit and Remus’ steps became more sure. It was something he had to check himself on regularly. Remus hated being guided by his arm- he said it made him feel like a dog. There were of course situations where it was permissible. Like the time Remus had nearly walked straight into a ditch and James had grabbed him so fiercely they had both nearly toppled over, or the many times that Sirius had pulled him out of the way of oncoming pedestrians. The issue with Remus was that when he got talking, he often forgot about his surroundings, and once his cane was being used more like a pointer all bets were off.

The other exception was Lily, who often could be see grabbing his arm. Not because she was guiding him, but because Codraline was cold and Remus was often very, very warm. He had even gotten in the habit in the winter months of offering his arm to her and letting her snuggle up next to him as they made their way home, lest by the time they got there her teeth would be nearly rattling out of her skull.

But for Sirius, as much as he craved the closeness, he reserved himself as much as he could.

“Alright, it’s three steps up, and then we’re going to be in the great room. There will be a staircase about thirty steps in, but we won’t go upstairs. It’s pretty open concept,and it mainly goes in a circle. The greenhouse can be accessed through the kitchen, but the door will be closed so…”

“How many square feet is it?” Remus asked, navigating up the the door with ease.

“Dunno, six thousand? Maybe?”

Remus whistled. “I’d say you’re lying or wrong, but alas I’ve met you.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “Are you just calculating how quickly you can ditch me for the plants.”

  
“Never.” Remus said earnestly, and they crossed the threshold into Sirius’ childhood home.


	7. The Party

There was many things that Sirius had expected, and exactly zero of them came to fruition. While strictly speaking it was his party, running on his birthday, the guests seemed to come to almost a stand still as he and Remus’ entered the great room. For just a moment, a wave of nausea swept over Sirius and he had the overwhelming urge to stand directly in front of Remus so that no one could lay their eyes on him.

Then there was his mother.

Walburga Black had never been one for actual affection, but for her, appearance was everything. “Oh my son!” She cried, running towards Sirius as though he had just escaped from the depths of a sinking ship. “My heir returned on his birthday!” She kissed his cheeks brusquely,tightly gripping his arms as to keep him from pulling back from her. “Have you come to take your brand? Have you come to join us?”

“Hello.” He said stiffly. “And nope. Answer is always going to be no, mother.”

“Is there a reason you brought the blind one?” She chirped. Her eyes burrowed into Remus as though by staring at him, she could drive him from the very grounds. There was something uncanny and predatory about it that Sirius didn’t like, especially given how little time she actually spent as a wolf. It was like the animal was crawling up her throat, ready to spring forth at any given moment.

But he did not let the worry read in his words. “Because it’s my birthday and I can do as I wish.” Sirius said with a shrug. He carefully pulled back from her, making sure that he placed himself between her and Remus as casually as he could. She stared for a moment more, then seemed to almost come to her senses, briskly stepping backwards and turning with a grand sweep of her dress.

“Sorry.” He said to Remus as his mother strode away and back to his cousin Bellatrix to whom she had been speaking before his grand entrance.

“Not the worst I’ve been called.” Remus said with a grin. “Honestly I was expecting a bit more after all you’ve said about her.”

“Yeah well let’s keep it at that.” Sirius replied. “Shall we get something to eat and then head to the greenhouse?”

Remus nodded. “Left or right?”

“Let’s head right. Regulus is to the left and I haven’t the heart to tell him how pitiful it is that he is hogging a whole plate of macaroons to himself. He’s a right mess too, crumbs do not bore well on velvet.”

Remus clearly was struggling to hold back laughter, but he managed to stay composed. In any other circumstance, Sirius would have described the cuts of meat and the array of side dishes in lavish detail and let Remus figure it out himself, but he felt exposed having Remus at his side. Instead he simply asked yes or no questions, and quickly built a single plate for the two of them to share before whisking him through the kitchens and into the spacious greenhouse, where he finally felt himself exhale properly for the first time she they entered the estate.

“Here we are.” Sirius said. “The Black Greenhouse. The only one of it’s kind on the island. We imported it when I was three to replace the old one so that mother could continue her curated detail of exotic poisons and whatever else she sees fit to grow in here.”

Remus muttered something under his breath, although Sirius did not quite catch it. However, due to the awe on his face Sirius assumed it had been something of wonder. 

“Do you want to eat first?” Sirius prompted. “Given that quite a bit of this can kill you?”

“Oh, right, yeah.” Remus said, pink lightly coloring his cheeks. “This is amazing. You know that right? I mean you’ve told me before but I never thought…I mean just think how much work can be done here? How easy it would be to start a grafting project! Or even works acclimatizing some of the native shrubbery to better withstand invasive species!”  
Sirius gently pushed himself up onto one of the clear work counters and handed one of the forks to Remus. They dug into the plate, Remus with far more gusto if not because he was hungry, but for the fact that the quicker he ate, the more words he could get out.

“I could probably solve the crabgrass issue in a place like this.”

“Well one day then it shall be yours. Or at least one like it.” Sirius’ heart started beating faster. He had put down his fork, although Remus was still picking at the plate.

“Oh?” Remus replied.

“I don’t see why not.” Sirius challenged.

“I couldn’t ask that of you.” Remus said sheepishly. “You already do too much.”

Sirius thought of all the counter arguments that he had to offer. That in fact, he didn’t do enough. That seeing Remus happy, truly happy, was one of the few things that made this brutal place worth its while. That he could listen to Remus go on for hours about plants and never get bored, how the times in his life when he had felt the most peace were when it was just the two of them sitting in the library, Remus so absorbed in a book it was like the rest of the world ceased to exist. How while James might be his brother in all but title and blood, seeing Remus happy was the reason his heart stayed as true as it had.

Remus reached up then, brushing Sirius’ hair away from his eyes. It was so gentle, so brief, that for a moment, Sirius had wondered if he had simply imagined it. But Remus was looking at him- best that he could at least- with his head tilted slightly. “You don’t have to buy me the world, you know.”

If he had been thinking of something witty, Sirius couldn’t remember it. He was frozen with the memory of Remus’ fingers on his face and as much as he wanted to reach back out to him, he simply couldn’t bring himself to do that. There was one thing in the world that he was truly terrified of, and although he would never admit it, it was standing right in front of him, in arms reach.

So he put back on his bravado, jumped down from the table light on his feet, and cleared his throat. “So what do you need me for? I’m useless but I’ll be as much of a help as humanly possible.”

Remus brought his hand to his forehead, massaging at his temples before taking a deep breath. “Yeah, I’m more just curious what’s going on. If you could write down what I dictate to you, that would be perfect, it will help later.”

“All capitals?”

“Please.” Remus said. From his back pocket he pulled a notebook and a small pen. While Remus would not be able to read the notes on such a small pad, it was a habit formed, and someone would read them back to him later. The capitals had little to do with Remus’ ability to make out letters on slick paper and more so the fact that Sirius had never learned to letter neatly, and thus much could be lost in frustrating translation.

They started to make their way around the greenhouse, Sirius butchering both the common and scientific names of most of the plants, and Remus gently correcting him. He still had a wasps nest alive and well in his stomach which did not make the task any easier, but Remus had seemed to move on without care.

“You sure it says Hogweed?” Remus asked.

“Yeah.” Sirius said, looking closer to make sure he hadn't misread his mother's scrawl.

“Stuff can leave you blind, makes your skin blister in the sun too. Nasty stuff. It’s the sap, that does it, I believe. Although you’ll need to mark that to be cross referenced.”

The door to the greenhouse burst open then, and Sirius whirled on his feet, once again taking a step to make sure that he was fully between Remus and whoever was on the other side of the door.

Much to his relief, it was Regulus, looking out of breath and mildly ragged around the edges.

“Uhm. Hello.” He said. “Sorry for interrupting whatever the hell you two are doing, but they’re starting the branding early so you gotta get your….” He paused, looking at Remus for a good long moment. “Yeah unless you want Remus to be chased out by the wolves so they can get their paws on you, I’d probably use the back exit if he’s cool with that.”

“You know I’m blind, not deaf, right?” Remus said.

“Yeah, shit, sorry. That was rude. Uh, you good walking out through the lawn Remus?”

“I can manage.” He said.

“Right.” Regulus replied. “Sorry. Again. Happy birthday, by the way.”

And he was gone back through the door.

“Care to guide me?” Remus said, offering his arm slightly. “Figure it will be faster if we’ve outstayed our welcome.”

Sirius looked at his arm for a second and was reminded of his fingers once more. “Only if you’re sure.”

Remus nodded, so gently Sirius took his arm, and they made into the night like bandits from a successful heist.


	8. Fire Whiskey

Much to Sirius’ delight, the night did not end with them fleeing the Black family estate, laughing like mad men even though they had the sinking suspicion that something was watching them from beyond the shadows. As the road was dark as pitch and the moon and stars were obstructed by clouds, Sirius drove the long way back as quickly as he could safely go.

“Can we stay out a little longer?”Remus whispered breathlessly into his ear as the rounded into the village. “I got something for you, it’s hidden in the front garden so you’ll have to help me find it.”

Sirius agreed and parked the bike outside of the Lupin’s house, but not before chastising Remus. “You shouldn’t have.”

“What if I say it’s as much for you as it is for me?”

“I would still say you shouldn’t spend a dime on me, please Rem I’m not worth it.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Well I didn’t spend money, so you’re in luck. I made it.”

The thing he made, as it would turn out, was a bottle of something he had dubbed ‘Fire Whiskey’ and proudly proclaimed that he had distilled himself.

“Is it going to kill us?” Sirius asked dubiously after uncorking the bottle and having to pull his nose back violently from the overwhelming scent of alcohol. “I appreciate the sentiment but it smells a bit like paint thinner.”

Remus, fearless as ever, took the bottle straight from his hand and took a large gulp, only sputtering a little bit as he choked down the liquor. “You really don’t trust me? I tried it first of course, it’s a bit rough, hence the ‘fire’ but it’s safe as anything. Well, I mean you can get alcohol poisoning, but it’s safe to drink.”

“Wicked.” Sirius said with a grin and took the bottle back, taking a much smaller sip than Remus had.He sputtered and coughed but managed not to spit any of it out. “You’re a genius you know.”

Remus smiled at him and settled down in the dirt of the front garden, and acknowledged for Sirius to do the same. He seemed to have no worry about being discovered by his father, so Sirius shrugged, sitting down next to him so that their shoulders lightly brushed.

They stayed like that for a while, passing the bottle back and forth without saying a word. The alcohol did it’s magic, working through Sirius’ bones so that small fires burned everywhere and the cool November air did not bother him like it would have otherwise. Remus, however, had pulled his knees up to his chin.

“Are you cold?” Sirius asked.

“A bit.” He replied.

Without thinking, Sirius removed his blazer, and put it over Remus’ shoulders. “I’m warm,too warm really.”

Remus just smiled at him, gentle tugging his arms into the sleeves. He was far too big for the blazer- the sleeves short several inches of his wrists and the buttons unable to close over his much wider chest. Still, he seemed more comfortable, relaxing his legs a bit and taking another drink.

“Can I ask you something?” He said.   
“Depends.” Sirius retorted. “Would you ask me sober?”

“Did I offend you- back in the greenhouse?”  
“No!” Sirius said with a jump, soberness washing over him. “No don’t even think for a second-“

“It’s just you-“

“I know. I actually didn’t know if I had offended you. It’s not- it’s just…” He faltered trying to find the words. He knew there were two distinct sets; what he wanted to say and what he knew he should say.

“It’s okay.” Remus said. “It’s okay you don’t have to explain yourself. I shouldn’t have asked.

“Lily.” Sirius sputtered. “She’s right, you know.”

“What do you mean?”  
“I mean, well I’m sure she’s gone on about it. She’s right, by the way. I’m just, I just need time, Rem. I just need to be your friend a little while longer, let the world settle, you know?”

“Well good thing then I have time.” Remus said, smiling and looking down at the almost empty bottle. “Want to finish this?”

“Yes please.” Sirius responded, and downed the bottle in one neat gulp, barely flinching as it burned his throat. The floaty feeling returned and he felt at ease once more, so much so that if Remus’ hand grazed his his, he did not jerk it back as he would have on any other occasion. He was feeling reckless and brazen- his family be damned. If nothing else he wanted to stay in that moment, pull it apart at the seams and examine it. The way that Remus gently stroked his pinkie finger with his own; the way that he tilted his head back and stared at a sky that he could not see as if it would open up it’s secret to him. Only once Sirius realized that he was shivering, did he snap forward.

“You should head in, it’s late.” Sirius said, picking himself up off the ground.

“Yeah. How are you getting home?”

Sirius had not yet considered this, or where he was going to sleep tonight for that matter. “Walking, I guess. I’ll park my bike up behind the library- it isn’t too far.”

Remus scrunched up his face. “Just leave it here- dad won’t mind. He probably won’t even notice if I’m being honest.

“Right” Sirius said. “Thanks. Can you get inside alright?”

“Yeah, I know the way.” Remus said.

“Thank you.” Sirius said earnestly before the other boy turned to go. “Tonight was lovely.Truly.”

Remus smiled, looking at the ground. “Goodnight Sirius.” He said before taking out his cane and making his way into his dark house.


	9. Evening with the Evans

Sirius had every intent to find somewhere to hole up to sleep off the Fire Whiskey, but as he was walking out the Lupin’s garden- a light caught his eye. Despite the hour, the Evan’s house seemed almost ablaze with light. On the second story both of the bedrooms facing the road were lit, and Sirius could see the silhouette of a girl sitting at a desk in the left most window.

Had he been sober, he would have recalled that Lily’s room was on the right hand side- not the left- and that she did not have a desk in her room, but rather used the desk in her father’s study. However in that moment, clambering into Lily Evan’s bedroom seemed like the most wonderful idea. Much to his amusement, he was able to scale the side of the house easily, using the downstairs window frame and the porch roof to climb over to the window. He knocked twice, not wanting to startle Lily or seem improper in his entrance.

““Lily.” Sirius hissed “Lily, I need to tell you and James is too far away.”

The window snapped open and he tumbled inside the room, his previous dexterity leaving his body in one fell swoop. He dared not think what could have happened had put his foot wrong, and instead began to marvel at how the room was so unlike what he remembered it as. There was no paintings on the wall, and a small bird-like blonde girl staring down at him with a murderous rage.

“Sirius what the hell are you doing, it’s two in the morning!” She spat, her small frame shaking with anger. “Do you know how much trouble we’ll be in with both you and-“

“Lily.” Sirius said slowly, enunciating her name. “I need to speak to Lily. Got the wrong window it would seem. I would be grateful if you got her,it’s important, life or death really.”

“Ugh!” Petunia threw her hands in the air and stormed out of the room, banging on the door next door.

“Shhh!” Sirius whispered. “You’ll wake the dead!”

Then there was pretty Lily Evans, sleep in her eyes and red hair a tangled birds nest perched on top of her head, followed by Petuina, who looked as though she was about to explode with an unholy rage. The two sisters were most unlike each other in every way to the point that it was easy to forget they were related. Lily was all warmth and softness while Petuina was made of cold and unforgiving lines. There had been a rumor when Petunia was born that she might have been from an affair, but if that was the case the Evan’s never spoke of it.

When they had been children, Regulus had even come up with a theory that Petunia was a long lost relative, although his attempt to befriend her had never gone well. Even if she had a single drop of Black blood, she felt no kinship to any of them- or anyone on the island really. The only exception was Peter, who while a long way from a friend would sit with her out of pity in total awkward silence, but she at least never glared at him. Petuina, Sirius had decided a long time ago, was a creature unlike anything on the island and a curse all to herself, but he’d never hold that against Lily.

“Sirius!” She chided “You broke into my sisters room, are you alright?”

“First off.” He started. “I knocked and she let me in. Second yes I’m fine, I just had to tell you, because James is too far away.”  
“You and Remus?” She said hopefully.

“No, well yes. Nothing happened, but it could and that’s what important. He brewed me whiskey! _Fire_ whiskey.”

“I can tell.” She said with a laugh. “Oh you are going to regret this. Also couldn’t you have waited until morning to tell me?”  
“Nope.” He said earnestly, pointing at the window. “The lights were on and I was here.”

“Ugh!” Petuina said, clenching her fists and stomping her foot. “Mum is going to kill you when she gets back. Two boys over in one night! Do you have any respect or is this just Lily’s house for wayward boys now?”

“Petuina!” Lily hissed. “They’re not going to be back for a few days, I’m sorry he’s here but he’s harmless, look at him, he’s like a lost puppy, you can’t be that mad about a lost puppy.”

“I’m a wolf.” Sirius said earnestly, and he tipped his head back and howled.

Petuina went very pale then. “Get him out. Get him out! GET HIM OUT!”  
Lily was at Sirius’ side in a flash, helping him to his feet and brining him into the hallway. She smiled warmly at him. “Look, right now is not a great time, but you can sleep downstairs on the couch if you need.”

“Thanks.” He said earnestly. “I don’t remember her being so bitter.”  
“Yeah well you and me both.” Lily said.

Sirius tugged at his right ear then. “What did she mean-“

“Lily?” Another voice called. It took Sirius entirely too long to place it, despite it being a voice he would know anywhere.

“James! James!” Siriuscried.

Lily had gone very red to the point that her face matched her hair. Suddenly, a picture formed in Sirius’ head and he cackled, despite the fact that Lily had seemed to shrink several inches in pure embarrassment.

“Sirius!” James said, hugging him. “Holy hell mate you smell like a tavern.”

“I was with Remus.” Sirius grinned.

“Did we both ….” James prompted.

“No.” Sirius said, and sat on the floor, telling the story. He left out some of the details, making it sound far more casual on his part that he had felt in the moment. It was like he had become unhinged, that all the things he wanted were spilling from the cavity in his chest and blooming in the freshly churned soil.

And with that feeling came the overwhelming urge to zip all of those things back into himself. A cold sweat broke out on his brow as he remembered the way his mother had looked at Remus, the caution on Regulus face as he told him to leave the party. These things on their own were just tiny smoldering things, but together, they were the start of something much more sinister.

“Bathroom.” Sirius mumbled. “I think I’m going to be sick.”


	10. The Breakdown

In the weeks that followed the Wolf’s Moon Party, there was a certain uneasiness that followed Sirius. He felt as though he was being watched, as though something precariously balanced was shifting in a way that he had no control over. When the wolves paraded the town he hid in the school, terrified of what he already knew in his heart to be true.

Regulus had taken the brand, and their mother, in all her infinite treachery, had tasked him with watching Sirius. It was a certain kind of cruelty that made Sirius’ skin crawl and made him lose all sense of himself. For as much as he had forged a tentative respect for his brother’s choices of allegiance, his branding he knew was a warning. A warning that not only extended to him, but to his friends as well.

It said to him that there were rules and expectations that the Black’s were suppose to follow, and in denying those expectations, there would be consequences.

And yet as the early afternoon sun filtered through the library windows, he could almost forget the notion that Regulus could be up to something sister. He was laid across one of the large bay windows, with his head in Remus’ lap and his legs butted up against James, who had fallen asleep and was leaning forward at such an angle that his glasses were almost dropping off his face. Brining up the group was Peter, who sat on the floor, using Remus’ knee as a pillow.

Sirius tugged at his right ear. “I can’t wait for this to be over.”

“What?” Peter replied.

“The wolves. I just want to go back to school.”

Peter snorted. “You want to go back to school?”

“Yeah.”

“You could try church.” Peter suggested. “They can’t get in at the church- Reverend Riddle promised me.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “He wouldn’t let me in the door.” He arched his head back, and Remus, who seemingly had forgotten he was there, shifted his weight so that Sirius’ head didn’t create a pressure point and then continued reading.

They had not talked about that night, and Sirius did wonder if it was some sort of fever dream brought on by the drinking. He had almost convinced himself that Fire Whiskey was in fact, not safe for consumption, and that it had mild hallucinogenic properties.

But then there was the moments like these, moments he would have never dared to take before. Resting his head on James was one thing, but Remus was different. James had always felt like a home, whereas Remus caused his pulse to soar and his mind to go to all the dangerous places he denied existed within him. And perhaps it was his imagination, but he felt as though he could hear Remus’ pulse jump just a hare when he was close.

“James.” Peter said, reaching over and shaking the other boy’s leg. “James you’re going to fall over.”

James awoke with a start and looked immediately to Sirius and Remus to his right. “Bloody hell you two were just going to let me sleep?”  
“There’s three of us.” Remus said. “Peter woke you up.” And then he was back to his book, his fingers hungrily eating up the words of _Cordaline Flora: 10th Anniversary Edition_.

“Oh hey Pete.” James said, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose. “When did you get here?”

“I came with you!” Peter said. “Idiot.”

“Sorry, sorry.” James said, patting an already irate Peter on the head. “I forgot.”

“Can you not?” He snapped, and produced a tea thermos from his bag, although he did not drink from it. Jokingly James reached for it, however Peter was much quicker, leaping to his feet and pulling the bottle with him.

“Can you leave well enough alone!” He said, pulling his bag up in a huff. “None of you get it.”

“Hey.” James said. “What’s up?”

“Nothing!” Peter said. “Absolutely nothing, that’s the issue Potter.”

And he stormed from the library.

James looked to Sirius for some sort of guidance, however he too was unsure at where the outburst had come from. He looked from James to Remus. “I’ll be right back,Rem don’t get too lost in a book, yeah?”

Remus saluted him, and Sirius was out the door, chasing after Peter.

“Hey! Peter! Pete! What was that?” He caught up to him in three easy steps, catching the other boy by the arm and spinning him around.

“GET OFF!” Peter yelled, slapping away Sirius hand with such force that it stung. “Just leave me alone, okay! Can all of you just leave me alone! You’ve coupled off- you’re well and happy about it so can you just fuck off and let me exist?” He wiped his hand angrily across his eyes, and Sirius realized that he was crying.

“Peter please!” He said. “It’s not like that. James and Lily were inevitable mate. If you liked her I feel for you but …”

“I didn’t like Lily!” He cried. “I don’t like Lily- not like that. Is your head really that thick? It’s not about liking someone or not liking someone. It’s that none of you give a damn about me anymore!”

“Peter we give a damn about you, it’s just the wolves, it gets to everyone okay? The entire towns shut down, we don’t go to school, and even my skins been crawling this year. I get that you don’t like them- I don’t like them either!Why do you think I don’t take the brand? It’s because there’s nothing good about them. Not a single thing. And I’d lose the lot of you in the process.”

Peter sniffled, and then in a moment that Sirius was not quite expecting, he threw his arms around Sirius’ hugging him fiercely. “I can’t take it, and I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry.” He sobbed.

“There’s nothing to apologize for, okay?”

“I…” But he didn’t finish his sentence. James walked out then, though Remus was not with him. Sirius beckoned for him to come over, and James piled into the hug, which only made Peter cry harder. They were both a good deal taller than Peter, and were able to easily converse over his head through worried looks and mouthed words.

“ _What’s wrong?_ ” James mouthed.

“ _The wolves._ ” Sirius mouthed back.

“ _Wolves?_ ”

“ _He’s scared._ ”

James nodded. It was an unspoken truth that most people left because of that very reason- that eventually the truth of what the wolves were won out against the logic of safety. The fact that every night in the early weeks of November they ran through the streets, howling and preying on that very fear did not make it any easier of a pill to swallow.

“Hey Peter.” James tried. “Why don’t we go round to my house. Mum will put some tea on, yeah? Just you and me, alright?”He looked to Sirius for approval, but Peter was already nodding.

“Yeah. Yeah that would be fine.”

“Okay, yeah, let’s go.” James let go of both of them then and Peter followed suit. “You good here?” He asked Sirius.

“Of course. Go on.”

Peter wiped his eyes and gulped out a thank you.Quickly Sirius turned and made his way back up the stairs to Remus, who unsurprisingly had not moved. “Sorry.” He said with a lopsided grin. “I figured you two had it handled and I wouldn’t be much use anyways. Is he alright?”

“Peter? Yeah, he’s fine. Just a little wolf mad is all. Happens to the best of us.” Sirius sat down and stretched out, this time gently placing his head on Remus’ shoulder. To his relief it felt cool against his ear, which was now starting to throb ever so slightly.

“Regulus took the brand, didn’t he?”

Sirius shot back up, and looked over at Remus. “Yeah, how did you know?”

“Just a feeling.” He said with a shrug.

“What are you reading?” Sirius changed the subject abruptly, although at the mention of his brother he felt as though he was being watched again. Even though he knew it couldn’t be- after all, he had not felt the presence of anything outside- there was a shiver building in his spine that simply wouldn’t release.

“Uh it’s a book on plants, here. Lots of flowery description, not enough science if I’m being honest. Why?”

“Could you read to me?” Sirius asked. “Please, just a few pages or something.”

“Okay.” Remus agreed. “Although you do know the irony that you just asked a blind man to read to you, right? Like I don’t have to point that out.”

“You’re a nerd.” Sirius retorted.

“Says the one asking to be read a book on plants like it’s a bed time story. Honestly Sirius I had other books in my bag- it doesn’t need to be this one.”

“But I want this one.” Sirius said. “Because you like it.”

Remus smiled then, and he began to read aloud, and the thoughts of wolves slowly melted away. His voice, soft and low, seemed to almost slow time, until it felt as though they were the only two beings in existence perched perfectly between a world long forgotten, and a place where Sirius would have given anything to hold that world once more.


	11. Start of Winter Term

“Can someone please go find Mr.Lupin and Ms.Evans?” Professor McGonagall asked from her desk, her eyes immediately fixating on James and Sirius who were sitting on a table, deep in conversation. At the mention of Remus, Sirius head snapped up and he looked at James, who had seemingly had the same reaction. Knowing what McGonagall was going to say next, they both leapt up, nearly knocking poor Peter over as they scrambled for the door.

“Boys!” She chided. “Only one of you.”

“Come on!” James protested to no avail.

“Which one of you has actually finished the homework assigned over the break?”

Sirius smiled. “It’s all done and in my folder ma’am. I can show you if you like.”

“Not needed. Potter?”

James face fell. “Well no, but I drew a lovely picture of a duck. It’s a bit interpretive, but I think it’s quite good. Might even sell it.”

“As I thought. James, you’ll spend the rest of homeroom working on your assignments and Sirius you may go retrieve your friends. If you cannot find them in a timely manner, please report them both to the office, and I’ll give their parents a ring.”

“Sorry.” Sirius said to James, although it was clear he didn’t mean it. James made a rude gesture in return, and sulked back to the table to get to work on the endless list of assignments he should have already completed. Peter eagerly sat down next to him, clearly offering his help, but Sirius’ mind was single tracked on finding Remus.

He closed the behind him, gently straightened out the dark burgundy school issued blazer then made his way down the halls. “Evans!” He called gleefully. “Remus!”

But no one answered him.

He frowned. Normally, if they hadn’t made it to homeroom yet, it was due to the fact that Remus had stopped off in the second floors teachers lounge. Strictly speaking he did not have access, but one of the window sills was particularly suited to growing a particular South American plant that Sirius could neither remember the name of or pronounce.

“Rem?” He called again, poking his head in, but they were not there.

He went down the stairs, rounding out to the first floor. “Evans?” He said again. A few students a year below him turned to look at him, but he paid no mind. His heart was racing. The wolves, he knew, were back in the forest. His family was one for tradition, and once the had their run of the town, they retreated back to their part of the island. They wouldn’t grab Remus- they couldn’t.

But he remembered his brothers eyes as the wolf, and he was filled with dread.

Then he head a voice, that in that moment sounded like an angel. “Sirius?” Remus asked. He was standing outside the girls toilet, his face wind chapped and worried.

“Oh thank God.” Sirius said. “Where were you?” Even though it was unnecessary he jogged up to Remus. “Did you walk yourself?”

Remus gave him the disapproving look he reserved for the very moments when one of his friends crossed the line from being concerned and being irrational. Of course he could get himself to school. He didn’t need Lily to bring him- or anyone for that matter. If it took him a bit longer then so be it.

Sirius wished he could kick himself. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean- I meant my brother hasn’t given you trouble, right?”

Remus stared at him as though the absurdity of the comment had transported him to a parallel universe where he was the sighted one and Sirius was the blind. “Can I have a crumb of context? Please?”

“It’s nothing, the wolves are back in the woods, I’m just being stupid. Where’s Evans?”

Remus sighed and pointed his cane at the door. “Having a sick, I believe.”

Sirius pushed through the door then, not caring that it was the moans lavatory. Lily’s book bag was thrown haphazardly on the floor, it’s contents spilling out over the tile. He couldn’t see much, only that she was knelt in the first stall, making a wretched sort of noise into the bin.

“Rem just go to homeroom, I’m fine.” She moaned before being sick again.

“You don’t sound find, mind if I come round?” Sirius answered. He heard the door open once more, and Remus come in behind him. The other boy stayed back as far as he could- he had never had a strong stomach for sick. On James’ 14th birthday, when he had drank to excess and been sick all over the floor- Remus had stayed outside the cottage even after it was cleaned up. It wasn’t until Effie had gotten home and realized what the boys must have gotten up to that he was able to be convinced to come back inside. Many a good drink later, his stomach had steeled a bit, but not enough to get any closer.

Lily did not answer but Sirius took it as an okay. Quietly as he could, he rounded the corner, sitting down beside her and gently pressing his hand to the back of her forehead. She slumped back against the wall, letting him pull her red hair back from her face and dab at the corners of her mouth with a wad of toilet paper. When she retched again, he held her hair back, rubbing circles on her back. “It’s okay.” He told her. “Remus can you go grab someone? Please?”

“Oh, yeah.” He said, snapping to attention. “Sorry I should have done that sooner I suppose.”

The door shuttered closed, but opened again a few minuets later, this time with Professor Sprout in tow. She was a small stout woman who taught Earth Sciences and an elective Hydroponics course that Remus had taken three times over. “Ah I see, the food poisoning got you as well. Right Ms.Evans, do you think you can walk? I’ll get you right down to the infirmary and have someone round to pick you up as soon as they’re able. I’m surprised you came in at all- your mother called Petuina in this morning, said dinner didn’t sit well with her.”

“Didn’t know.” Lily said earnestly, dry heaving into the toilet.

“Do you want me to carry you?” Sirius asked under his breath, realizing how pale she had gone.

She nodded, so he scooped her up, gently standing. She was feverishly hot, although she shivered violently.

“Alright then.” Sprout said. “Mr.Lupin see yourself to homeroom, Mr.Black with me.”

“Feel better Lily.” Remus said as they made their way out and in their separate directions.

Sirius tried to move as quickly as he could, and as smoothly as he could. Lily, for the most part, managed to hold herself together until they were rounding the corner into the nurses station, and she managed to spit up the remaining contents of her stomach on his blazer.

“I am so, so sorry.” She said.

Sirius put her down, and shrugged out of it, discarding it on the sick bed and finding her a trashcan. “It’s no worry. There’s tons of spare lying around. Or I’ll just be a rebel and not wear a blazer today. I can hardly be faulted, given my acts of chivalry.”

A small smile crept across her face. “You did it for brownie points with Rem.”

Sirius feigned horror. “I did no such thing!”

“Liar.” She said with a smile.

“Well maybe. I only acted in his benefit because if he had to carry you, he would be usingthat trashcan right now, and I think you’re a bit more entitled to it than he is.”

She learned her head over then ,resting it gently on Sirius’ shoulder. Despite the fact that he so desperately wanted to get back to Remus, he sat with her until her mother came to collect her, gently humming to help take her mind off the nausea, and his mind off the thought that the wolves might not be gone after all. 


	12. Adder in the Castle

With the exception of James’ black mood that came about with the absence of Lily, the rest of the day went on almost without incident. The four boys fell back into their regular patterns of scheming and school work, with Peter almost returning to his odd yet strangely charming self.They traded jokes over lunch until Peter caught the eye of Severus Snape, elbowed James, and burst into a fit of unbridled laughter.

Severus was in their year, although he spent most of his time hanging out with the underclassmen, due to, in part,his infuriating personality and the fact that no one in their year sans Lily would ever give him the time of day.

“Do you have something funny to say, Pettigrew?” He sneered.

“Yeah I do.” Peter said, looking to the group for approval. “The church is open for free showers if you’re that desperate.”

Remus, who was normally the most reserved of the group nearly choked on the sandwich that he was taking a bite of, which in turn caused James to nearly fall out of his seat, doubling over in laughter once more.

Severus glared and ran his hands through his greasy hair. “You know the old reason Lily talks to any of you is before she feels bad that Lupin is blind as a bat and has no prospects in life. I mean what’s he going to do after school? Live off Sirius’ blood money while-“

Sirius chair clattered backwards, and the room fell silent. “While what?” He challenged. “Go on, finish that sentence. Next time I go home I’ll be sure to tell my father precisely who doesn’t deserve a set of vocal cords, let along lungs.”

Severus went very pale then. Violence from the wolves was not an idle threat to make on the island, let alone coming straight from the mouth of an heir.

“That’s what I thought.” Sirius said. He could feel eyes on him, and it felt dangerous, what he was doing. Only when he heard Remus’ voice, asking him to sit back down did he oblige, although his blood was still hot in his ears.

“Little far, but effective.” James said, looking down at his plate.

Remus said nothing, and Peter was rummaging through his bag. He produced the same thermos he had at the library, and handed it to Remus, who still sounded a bit hoarse. “Mate take a drink.”

“What is it?” Remus said, sniffing the thermos suspiciously.

“It’s chamomile.” Peter replied.

“Well that’s boring.” Remus said. He started to tilt his head back to take a drink, then several odd things happened at once.

It was like a string snapped in Sirius’ chest. He snatched the thermos, the overwhelming urge to get it away from Remus pulsing through him like fire. He could smell pine and smoke, hear the crackling of a burning tree and the snapping of fallen branches underfoot. His throat was coated with thick sticky ash and his eyes burned- but not from the fire. It felt as though they had been pierced by a thousand tiny needles and had swollen so that they were about to explode. His vision swam before him- he was neither at school, nor on the island. Somewhere, a baby cried, and a woman screamed.

Without hesitating, he drained the entire contents of the thermos, and when he looked up the world right once more, the four boys were staring at him, mouth agape.

“You good?” Remus said.

Sirius shook his head. “Yeah, fine. Sorry, I thought it would be funny, was just trying to ease the tension, I’ll go get you a water.”

He leapt up before anyone could say anything else, although James would not meet his eyes and Peter had gone very quiet and very pale. He half sprinted across the dining hall, shakings hands trying and failing to get the sink to work before slamming the thermos down.

“Sirius?” He heard Remus behind him and jumped. “Let’s get out of here.”

“How do you know it’s me? I could be Severus. Or Marlene! I could be Marlene.”  
Remus chuckled. “They probably would answer me with ‘fuck off you blind prick’, and ‘oh honey, he’s over there I’ll walk you’ respectively, so I’m fairly confident despite my lack of sight that I have the right person.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and turned around. “And where do you suggest we go?”

“On a walk to have a cigarette. We both have study hall next period, it’s not like they’re going to miss us.”

Sirius couldn’t argue with that logic. They were in their final year and thus afforded certain privileges given that their work was completed in a timely manner. One of those privileges was the ability to walk around the school grounds during study periods, so long as they didn’t cause trouble or technically leave the grounds. While smoking was technically not allowed, no one stopped them so long as there were no cigarette butts left on the football field or tennis court.

Like many other boys their age, they were not really smokers as opposed to people who enjoyed an occasion cigarette. Out of the group, Peter incidentally smoked the most regularly, but was too busy with his studies to take a break let alone a full study hall period. Instead he could be seen in the mornings hastily smoking his way through half a pack before the first bell rang.

Sirius and Remus however were more keen to let the cigarette burn itself out, only taking occasional drags to combat the freezing December air. It was dark and overcast outside, but to their luck it wasn’t raining, although it had that morning. Sirius wished for a moment that he had his blazer, but being in Remus’ company distracted him enough from the cold that he didn’t care.

They walked the long way around the football field, only stopping under the small grove of trees to light their cigarettes before they kept going in their counter clockwise path. The only sound besides the soft whisper of the wind was their shoes in the soft earth, and Remus’ cane when it tapped an odd rock.

Suddenly Sirius heard the cane snapping shut. “Adder in the castle!” Remus shouted, tapping Sirius roughly on the shoulder before sprinting away.

“Arsehole.” Sirius said. “We can’t play adder with two people!” But he stuck his arms out and started spinning anyways.

“Sure we can.” Remus said gleefully.

Adder in the castle was on of their games that James’ had come up with soon after they had met Remus. Traditionally speaking, any sighted players would spin until they were so dizzy that they could barely walk, and try to grab the person who had yelled adder in the castle. The adder would hiss and strike, and should he get one of the chosen knights to fall, he would win the game. It was a childish endeavor, but Sirius hardly cared. He spun and spun until the world became a mirage of colors and blended seamlessly together and began to follow the sound of Remus’ hissing and laughter.

He let Remus stay out of his reach just long enough to let him think that he had the upper hand. Without having to worry about running into anyone else, it was much easier to win- almost too easy. He grabbed Remus around the waist, nearly pulling the other boy over as he laughed triumphantly.

The world still spun however, and he leaned his head forward, finding purchase on Remus’ shoulder as everything slowed and came back into focus.

 _I could kiss him._ Sirius thought to himself in a wild unprompted moment. He was so close that Sirius could feel Remus’ breath on his hair. All he had to do was tilt his head back and stretch up on his toes, and he would be kissing him. It would be so easy, and yet he couldn’t quite bring himself to do it. Maybe if he was just to look up, Remus would get the hint by the shift in his posture, but he was once again frozen in his own body.

“You’re not wearing a blazer.” Remus remarked, dragging Sirius from his thoughts. His right hand was on Sirius’ left shoulder, his thumb and index finger pinching the fabric of his shirt.

“Oh, yeah, Lily.” Sirius said quietly, taking a step back. And straightening his shirt. He had the sudden realization that of course Remus wouldn’t have noticed, that their shirts as horrible as it often looked were the exact same color as the blazer.“She was sick on it, I took it off in the nurses station, meant to grab another but …”

“You should have said something.” Remus said. “It’s cold.”

“Honestly I didn’t even notice.” Sirius said. “Come on, let’s head back in, I don’t want to be late.”


	13. Dreams of Fire

The smell of burning grew until Sirius was the fire itself. He ran through the woods, sometimes a man, sometimes not, but always, _always_ feeling the fire rip at the core of his being. The same sound of a woman screaming and a baby wailing drowned out every ounce of sanity he had until he felt absolutely mad with rage.

And still he ran, until he found himself at the church, soaked in sweat and sap and blood.

“Please.” He begged the Reverend. “Make it stop.”

Reverend Riddle stared at him over a bible, his robes dripping in black blood. “Place your hand on the cross boy.”

So Sirius did; the cross silver and shining in a light far brighter than the sun burned his flesh and the fire started all over again.

“Well that won’t do.” Riddle said.

Then in a blink of an eye he was on the cliffs, Remus floating, gently reaching out his hand and drawing him over the edge. “I saw you coming.” Remus said. “Join me in the water, it will put out the flames.”

So Siriustook his hand and together they dove, tumbling into the waves below. However Remus had been correct, as soon as the water touched his skin it soothed him until the woman’s screams were a far off memory. He could be happy here, he realized. He could be happy if he only remembered how to breathe.

Sirius awoke gasping, expelling the last of the seawater from his lungs.

Regulus was standing over him, sea soaked himself with a look of disgust on his face. “What the hell?” He asked.

Sirius said up, coughing and choking. He was on one of the lower beaches on the wolf side of the island, although how he had gotten there was a mystery. He had fallen asleep on the top bleacher in the gymnasium- he was sure of it.“Remus.” He managed to choke out. “Where is he? What did you do?”

“I assume he’s at home.” Regulus said matter of factly.

“No.” Sirius said scrambling to his feet. “No he was on the cliffs. I was burning and he…”

It dawned on Sirius then that what he experienced couldn’t have been. There was no silver cross in the church, and Remus had been _floating_. Not only that, but he had seen Sirius- he had even said that.

“We need to go home.” Regulus said.“We need to tell mother what happened.”

Sirius took a step back from his brother. “I’d prefer if we didn’t.”

“Yeah and I’d prefer if you didn’t slaughter half the town trying to shift without a brand. Moron.”

At that Sirius became very quiet. “That’s impossible.” He muttered.

“Yeah well, I had to chase you over hill and country last night. You weren’t a wolf, but you definitely weren’t in your right mind. You don’t have to like her, but mother does know her lore.” Regulus beckoned to the rock face of the cliff, expecting Sirius to go first.

Sirius sighed and began climbing. He would have some explaining to do when he got back to school, but he didn’t see any other way to remedy whatever was happening than going back into the wolves den.

By the time they arrived at the house, Sirius was shivering and Regulus was in the foulest mood that Sirius had ever seen his younger brother. Instead of staying in the living room with Sirius, he simply screamed into the vast mostly empty house “MOTHER IFISHED SIRIUS OUT OF THE OCEAN, AND SINCE HE’S NOT DEAD I QUITE THOUGHT YOU’D LIKE TO SPEAK TO HIM!” Before running up the stairs and slamming his bedroom door shut.

Walburga rounded the corner then, her eyes taking in her eldest son. “Well this is pathetic, who did you murder? Was it the blind one? Oh that would be delectable.”

“I didn’t murder anyone mother.” He said shortly. “I had a bad dream and woke up in the ocean. Not much to say there.”

She walked up to him, roughly taking his chin and examining his face. “Well the wolf saved you. I can say that much. If you had the brand, you wouldn’t be so cut up, but I won’t complain. Now this dream. Tell me what happened.”

Sirius sank onto the couch, completely aware of how his damp clothes would impair the delicate fabric.“I felt as though I was on fire. I could hear a woman screaming, a baby crying. I went to the church, got even more burned, and then an apparition lured me off the cliffs.”

She nodded, looking deep in thought. “And what did the apparition look like?”

Sirius narrowed his eyes. “It was an apparition. It was floating. It told me the water would stop the burning.”

“Yes. But was it someone you love? Someone you hate? Did it have an extra arm, perhaps? Crying tears of silver?”

“The cross was silver.”

“I don’t care about the church.” She said. “I care about the apparition you daft boy!”

“It was a friend.” He said casually.

She furrowed her eyebrows then, and left the room, her heels clicking rhythmically as sheexited through the kitchen and into her greenhouse. Sirius wondered for a moment if he should follow her, but he felt the warmth and tiredness wash over him in such a way that made him feel at one with the couch.

He reached up to touch his face, realizing how badly it stung. His hand came away bloody, not horribly so but enough to know that he had been quite cut up. Of course he would have to find an explanation for this, preferably one that didn’t involve explaining that he had nearly killed himself jumping off a cliff the night before and had to be saved by his little brother.

Walburga came back into the room, holding a small bottle of pills. “You were poisoned. Take these, it will stop the symptoms.”

Sirius crossed his arms. “I’m not taking anything you give me.”

His mother rolled her eyes. “Why are you this difficult. Regulus? REGULUS!”

“Yes?” Regulus appeared at the top of the stairs, clad in dry clothes.

“Come down here.” She snapped.

He obliged, taking the stairs two at a time. “How can I help?”

“Take these.” She said, handing him two of the pills. Without protest Regulus obliged, swallowing them down without water. “See?” She said, turning to Sirius as she shoo’d Regulus away with her hand. “I’m not about to poison both of my sons in one go. That would be ridiculous.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and took two pills. They caused his stomach to churn, but true to her word, they were not poisonous. His eyes however were tired, pressing heavily on him in a way that made the next words that came out of his mouth not feel so bad.

“Mother.” He said. “Could you call me in sick? I’d quite like to sleep this off.”

And for the first time in a long time, Sirius Black walked up the stairs at his family’s home, stripped out of his clothes, and fell into a deep sleep on his own bed. Only this time he did not dream of a world burning. He dreamed of Remus gently humming, sitting in a stream of summer light.


	14. Heart of the Lone Wolf

Over the next week, Sirius hardly slept. He had figured out that it must have been Severus who had poisoned him- he just couldn’t pin point when he had done it. Perhaps he knew that Sirius had been sleeping at the school, but it still didn’t explain the delivery or how it had gotten into his system.

The only good thing to come of it was that everyone seemed mesmerized by what had happened to his face. In the end the damage was all superficial- a gash across his nose and a rash that spanned from his right cheekbone to his jaw. His lips had been bloodied and chapped as well, but that could have simply been from running through the forest. He played the bravado of the situation to a T, and when asked what had happened would simply shrug and say in a dangerously cool tone. “I’m not at liberty to say, but it is quite difficult catching a greased pig.”

His friends knew a little bit more, but he hadn’t told them everything there was to know. Peter had nearly fainted when he saw him walk up to the lockers, and had run up to him in alarm. “Bloody hell mate are you okay?” He had said, moving his hands frantically between his hair and his pockets, as if he wanted to touch the wounds on Sirius’ face to somehow prove to himself that they were real.

“Yeah.” Sirius said, tugging at his right ear.”Family drama. Nearly poisoned and ran stark raving mad all over the island. So, the usual. I’m no worse for wear though. Say have you seen Remus?”

Peter had pointed him out, and Sirius had walked up to Remus, not even announcing himself, and wrapped his arms around the other boy. Remus had stuttered out whatever he had been saying to James, but he hugged Sirius back regardless, clearly pleased to be getting such affections but confused at where the normally deceivingly formal exterior had gone.

And then just like that the walls had flown back up. Sirius cleared his throat, stepped back, and joined in on the conversation as though it was his own. He had allowed himself one moment, and one moment only. Remus was okay. He was alive, and well, and as far as Sirius could tell, hadn’t been poisoned or hurt in any way.

So when the school came alive with whispers of a Yule time formal, Sirius retreated in on himself. It had been announced via the loud speaker during first period and Sirius felt his stomach rise into his throat. Remus had done the thing where he caught Sirius’ out of his peripheral vision and given him a little smile, which was enough to undo Sirius’ completely. In his haste to turn to James Lily, he had knocked his books off his desk with such force that they clattered to the ground, stopping McGonagall mid sentence as she waited for him to stop making a scene to continue her speech about requirements for attending the formal.

“Sorry.” He had said with a shrug in order to not betray his heart. “Someone had to break James out of his trace- you would think by the way he’s staring at her that Ms.Evans was a siren.”

James turned a bright red then, and Lily suppressed a giggle as Sirius smiled at her. The bout of food poisoning had taken a number on her, and it was the first true smile he had seen since she had returned to school, looking slightly thinning and tinged green around the edges, but otherwise back to herself.

“So.” Sirius said once they were able to talk freely. “I was thinking we should blow the whole thing off and throw a massive party at the lighthouse instead.”

Lily raised an eyebrow at him. “You don’t want to go to a party?”

“No.” I wish to go to a party with all my friends. And James can’t go to the formal- look at his grade in maths.”

Sirius heard two chairs pull up and felt someone dangerously close to him. He knew it was Remus without looking, and he hated himself for that. He hated the way he wanted to do nothing more that relax back into him, and he hated that despite everything, he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“Actually.” Peter spoke then, accounting for the second chair. “Maths isn’t a problem. I think our dear mate will find that his grade is perfectible serviceable due to all the extra credit that he did.”

Sirius looked at James bewildered. “You did extra credit?”

James, looking equally as confused as him looked to Peter. “Extra credit?”

Peter flashed a wicked grin. “You passed it in yesterday. After school. Honestly Potter, best get your memory checked.”

Lily mumbled something about accountability but the boys laughed.

“Okay scratch the Lighthouse.” Sirius said still trying to ignore Remus.

“Sirius?” Remus asked quietly, placing his hand on his knee.

Sirius fidgeted on his seat, become even more acutely aware of Remus than he thought was possible. He was filled with an intense warmth that made his palms sweat. The world seemed to invert for a moment, and Remus seemed like a giant, looming over him. Even though Sirius couldn’t see him, he could sense him- how the once awkward lankiness of his limbs were becoming muscular and defined. Even his hand- the only part of Remus that Sirius could see- was like it was etched from marble, with defined veins and long elegant fingers.

And with great shame he felt like a child again, watching mouth agape as Remus had gotten off the boat and walked into his life.He was so wholly consumed in him, that the only way to exist was to hurt him in one way or another. He knew what Remus was going to ask and he knew that it could go one of two ways. He would say yes, fall into Remus arms and live that lie until someone hurt Remus because of the blood that ran through his veins. Or he would never let the words leave Remus lips and deal with whatever emotions arose from that.

“Marlene!” He yelled across the room, balling up a piece a paper and lobbing it at the blonde girl. He wouldn’t have considered her a friend per se, but she was a nice accidence and always up for the latest secrets and gossip. She turned around, staring daggers at him. “Yes?”  
“Want to piss off Sturgis?” He asked, knowing very well that things were still heated between her and her ex. The breakup had been messy, to say the least, her having caught him with another unnamed girl in the shrieking shack of all places. If he knew anything about Marlene, it was that as much as she loved to talk about others, there was a part of her, much like him, that thrived on occasionally being at the center of that talk.

Her face relaxed, and Sirius felt Remus quickly remove his hand from his knee. “What are you proposing Mr.Black?”

Sirius stood up and skipped across the room and sitting on her desk. “I take you to the winter formal.”

She laughed then. “You’re joking.”  
“Pro con me and I’ll tell you.”  
“I thought you were only into guys?” She looked to Remus, but Sirius payed no mind.

“Low risk then, I’m not about to snog you unless it’s for a laugh. Pro.”

“Alright, con.” She said back. “You’ll out dress me and Sturgis will only have eyes for you, thus thwarting any sweet revenge.”

“Okay, I’ll dress modestly. Pro.”

She rolled her eyes. “No velvet. I’m saying no velvet.”

Sirius mocked being shot in the heart, but smiled. “Well that’s settled.”

She leaned in carefully. “Are you and Remus…Aren't you a thing?”

“Just friends.” Sirius said. He gestured at the group he had left, expecting them to all still be sitting just as he left them. But when he looked back over at the group, Lily and Remus were gone, leaving both James and Peter who looked equal parts upset and guilty.

“You sure about that?” Marlene remarked. “Because if you decide you need to ditch me I will not be _that_ upset about it.”


	15. Lily's Secret

Lily had called Sirius- or rather called the Potters house to fetch Sirius- later that day when they had returned home from school. She had made it very clear that she was in no way shape or form on speaking terms with him, however, that she needed his assistance and that James was not to come. Fearing her wrath he had made his way to her house, a small part of him hoping beyond reason that Remus would be there and he could at least apologize. He knew it was going to hurt both of them, that had been the idea of course. But he hadn’t expected to see Remus in the halls later with red rimmed eyes, and watched as Lily helped him avoid Sirius as though he was diseased and that passing to close to him would mean certain exposure.

Even James, who normally was on his side about most matters has just shaken his head. “That was cruel.” He chided Sirius.

“Yeah well it had to be done.” Sirius had spat back.

They had never fought in any serious way, but this seemed uncomfortably close to it.

“You like him. He likes you.” James said. “I don’t see what the issue is. You can’t just string people along Sirius, the island doesn’t belong to you.”

“Leave it James.” He had said in a low warning tone.

“No I’m not going to leave it! You’re mucking everything up, and for what?”

“So I don’t end up hurting him, okay! Because at the end of the day, I’m just like the rest of my family, brand or not. James you know me better than anyone- all I ever bloody do is think about Remus. I’m crazy about him and I can’t be! I just can’t!”

James had left it at that, but it was clear that he didn’t agree. So Sirius, steaming with righteous anger that no one would fully hear him out, made his way to Lily’s on his motorcycle.He stalled it twice, nearly flying over the handlebars at one point as it sputtered and stopped.

The worst part ofthe entire thing was knowing that Remus would hear the bike, and at least in Sirius mind, maybe think that he was coming round to his to apologize. The thought of him waiting by the front door, expectant of something that would never happen, was enough to break Sirius heart all over again.

So he parked the motorcycle up the street, and made the rest of the way on foot. He moved to gently knock on the door, but Lily was already there, opening the door and dragging him inside.

“I hope you’re happy.” Was the first words out of her mouth. “How dare you? How dare you lead him on like that? And then pull that stunt with Marlene in front of everyone. Did you know Sirius? Did you know what he was going to ask you?”  
“Yes.”

She slapped him. “You humiliated him!” She spat.

“I know.” Sirius replied.

Lily made her way to the couch and sank down. She took several deep breaths, and then looked up at him.

“Okay, as much as I deserved that, why did you call me here?” Sirius rubbed his cheek. “You could have decked me at school- I know James was wishing that you did.”

At the mention of James Lily went very pale. She fidgeted with her hands, biting at her knuckles. “I just want to make it very clear that I didn’t have anyone else to call, okay? Marlene would be running her mouth in a heartbeat, Peter would judge me, and Remus currently wants to be left alone to cry his eyes out in private.”  
“An eye joke is a little tasteless, don’t you think?” The words were out of Sirius’ mouth before he knew what he was saying, and Lily’s glare was all he needed to realize how out of line he was. “Sorry.” He added quickly. “Sorry I don’t have the right, I get it.”

“I need you to swear on your life that you won’t tell James. You have to promise me Black, that no matter what, you will not, under any circumstances tell James.”  
“I mean I tell him everything.”

She glared at him again. “Not this. Please Sirius you are the only person that I have and I am freaking out and I need someone, okay?”

Sirius nodded, and Lily grabbed something off the side table, handling it to him. He stared at it a good moment longer than he should have needed to, but he had never seen a pregnancy test in real life- only in advertisements.

“What the hell am I going to do?” and Lily Evans broke down. Her entire body was wrecked with sobs, and her thin frame shook. “Sirius I don’t know what I’m going to do, I can’t have a baby, I can’t have this baby. I’m not ready to be a mom and James and I, we’re not serious, it’s just really been hook ups and I don’t know what to do.”

Sirius dropped the test on the ground. “Jesus.” He said. But he was on the couch, hugging Lily and letting her cry onto her shoulder. “Okay, what do you need? I can get you to the mainland, if you don’t want-“ He stopped himself. “Screw the formal, if that’s what you need, we’ll go over and I’ll say that I wanted to see New Years on the mainland and I brought you because you’re lovely Lily Evans and the only person that will still speak to me.”

She cried harder then.

“What do you want, Lily?”

“I don’t know.” She said quietly. “I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared.” 

Sirius took a deep breath. He had no experience with these sort of things, and his first instinct was to call James- only he had promised not to.

“There’s also my mother.” He said cautiously.“I don’t know for sure, but if we went to her, said it was mine, I’m sure she’d have no issue procuring the necessary things should you wish to not continue. And if you want to continue this, I’ll help you tell James. How far…”

“I don’t know, seven weeks maybe? I don’t know. I just know that I was sick and then I was late and I’m never late, I’m on the pill so-“

“Late?” Sirius interrupted.

“My period.” She said. “I never got my period.”

“Oh, right.” Sirius said, feeling quite stupid. He gently rubbed her shoulders, not exactly sure if he was being helpful, but knowing that he couldn’t leave her like this.

“You know James better than anyone.” She managed to say finally, her voice broken and hoarse. “Tell me how he’d react.”

“Well.” Sirius said. “He’ll be scared. And he’ll immediately run to Remus, because Remus is the reader, and ask him what he knows about babies, and Remus will start sprouting offabout plant reproduction or something, so he’ll go to Peter, who will tell him that he needs to marry you immediately. He’ll then come to me and say that he doesn’t know how to be a dad, and I’ll tell him he’s stupid and he’ll be a great dad because he somehow keeps my dumb arse in one piece.”

“You don’t think..” Lily clearly didn’t know how to finish the sentence, but Sirius knew what she needed to be reassured of.

“He’s not going to leave you. He’s crazy about you.”

“Well you’re crazy about Remus, and look how that turned out.”

Sirius sighed, but he knew she was right. However there was one thing that Lily hadn’t factored in-James was not a monster. He was lovely and kind and generous and should she decide that this was something she wanted, he knew that James would fall right into stride behind her. He was everything that Sirius wished he could be, and everything he wished that Remus would someday find in a person.

Because at the end of the day, things had turned out the way they had because Sirius Black was the biggest monster of them all.


	16. Winter Formal

The following week went about as well as Sirius thought it could have. Remus ignored and avoided him, and the secret that he held ate at him every time he saw James. The two factors threw his world off just enough that when he pulled up to Marlene’s parents house on his motorcycle, he had forgotten that he had no clue how a girl would ride the bike in a large gown with enough tulle to line the streets of Cordaline ten times over.Thankfully for him, she didn’t live far, so they laughed and drank from a flask concealed between the layers of her skirt as they made their way up to the school, which was ablaze with lights and laughter and music. If the bottoms of their garments were slightly damp and embedded with mud by the time they arrived, it was quickly forgotten as they stepped through the doors of the gymnasium.

The floor itself was packed with students, as the outer perimeter had been set with tables and chairs that hosted not only places to congregate but also several punch bowls that Sirius hoped in his heart had already been spiked, so that he and Marlene would not have to do the spiking.

She was by all accounts stunning, her gown not only voluminous but made of a soft glitterysilver that was impossible to miss in the room. Sirius, true to his word, had kept it simple with a black tux, although he regretted not opting for the navy blue given the rule of no velvet that he had adhered to.

“Dance with me!” She cried at one point, pulling him out onto the floor to a song who’s tempo Sirius could not keep with. However he laughed and whirled with her, winking at Sturgis as they whirled past him. Sirius couldn’t tell if the other boy wanted to hit him or just wished that he was him, but either way it brought Marlene a great delight.

“Plans working then.” Sirius said with a smirk.

“It was quite a good plan.” She agreed with a smile.

The music slowed then, and they made their way off the floor.

“Now for my plan.” She patted him on the arm. “Go talk to Remus. Please.”

Sirius stood very still. “He’s not here.”

“Yes he is.” She said, roughly turning him so that he could see Remus. And indeed he was there, in a brown suit that didn’t quite fit him, sitting between James and Peter who were in an animated conversation.

“I can’t.” Sirius argued.

“You can. Just apologize. That’s all you need to do. You helped me, now I’m helping you.”

And before Sirius could say anything else, she had disappeared from his side. Sturgis an old brute creature of habit was already chasing after her like a lost puppy, looking absolutely distraught in his attempts.

Sirius walked over to the table, James staring him down with every step. When he got there, the trio fell silent, but all eyes were on him.

“Hello.” He said.

“Hello.” James said back, tensely.

Sirius made a pleading sort of look towards Remus, hoping that James would get the hint. He tapped Peter once on the shoulder and leaned over, whispering something in Remus ear. Although Sirius couldn’t hear him, he had the distinct impression that it was something along the lines of “If he steps out of line, I will personally beat some sense into him.”.

“I’m not speaking to you.” Remus said plainly.

“I know.” Sirius said, sitting down next to him. “I deserve that.”

They sat in silence for a moment, Sirius aching to get close to him, but carefully watching the way Remus had angled his body away from him.

“I’m sorry.” Sirius said finally. “I was cruel, and you did not deserve that. You are kind and good and you deserve far more than I could ever give you.”

“Well then maybe this can be a learning experience. Don’t lead people on. It’s rude. I’m blind, I’m not a pet to be pitied.”

“I never-“

“But you did.” Remus sighed. “I get it, why would you want to go to a dance with a blind boy? Why would you want to be with him? That would be ridiculous. You can flirt with him, sure. That’s fine. Make him think that maybe, someday, something will happen when it won’t.”

The words stung more than Sirius knew they could have. “I’m a monster.”

“Yes. Yes you are, and ironically, not in the way that you think.”

The music changed again, and Sirius couldn’t help himself.“Can I have this dance?” He asked, extending his hand to Remus.

“You can’t be serious.” Remus grumbled.

“Well I’m certainly not James. Or Peter. Or Lily for that matter-“

“What?” Remus said innocently.

“Well that is my name.” Sirius said with a grin. “Dance with me.” He prompted, gently taking Remus’ hand in his own.

He could see Remus biting back his own embarrassment as what he said registered, then fighting the urge to laugh. “What about Marlene? It’s rude to dance with someone else and leave your date all alone.”

Sirius eyes tracked the room to Marlene who seemed quite happily sipping on a drink while Sturgis groveled in the chair next to her. She winked at him in a knowing sort of way. “She’ll be alright.”

Remus sighed and stood then, letting Sirius gently take his elbow and direct him out onto the floor. “I’m a horrible dancer though. Two left feet. Turns out it comes in the territory of being blind.”

“Well then you’re in luck, because I happen to be a very good dancer.” He turned to face Remus, although much to his delight Remus did seem to at least know where to place his hands. And as they began to sway, the rest of the world seemed to melt away.

“Are people staring?” Remus whispered in his ear. “I feel like people are staring.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Sirius whispered back. “And anyways, If anyone makes a fuss, James will beat the piss out of them.”

“He can’t beat up the entire town!”

“Then Lily will help him.” Sirius smirked. “I wouldn’t want to fight her, she’s terrifying.”

“She is, isn’t she?” Remus agreed. Despite his claim of two left feet, he moved easily and without clumsiness.

“Actually, I take back what I said. People are definitely staring.”

“Oh?” Remus answered, not falling for Sirius bravado.

“Yes. And it seems Snapes’ eyes are firmly trained on your buttocks. Good taste, I must admit. Horrible lad, but if you don’t wish to be here with me I’m sure he would gladly step in and take this dance."

“Oh shut up.” Remus replied, and Sirius knew he had been forgiven. He exhaled, feeling his shoulders fall forward for the first time since the incident. He felt stupid, more stupid than he had ever felt in his life. Being here with Remus felt so right. It was the way that when they danced, they seemed to almost fit together, how his hand felt being held by Remus. If he could take one moment to live in it forever, it would be this one. Nothing, he decided right then and there, could ever be more perfect. 

The music shifted again but still stayed slow.

“Do you trust me?” Remus said.

“Of course.”

“Close your eyes and let me lead.”

“Okay.” Sirius said, and he closed his eyes, leaning his head against Remus’ chest. He could hear his heartbeat quicken through his jacket as he did so, and the prospect of being able to undo Remus Lupin just as he undid him made a smile cross his face.

“Why?” Remus asked finally. “I mean, I have an inkling, but I want to hear it from you."

“It’s not that you’re blind.” Sirius said quickly. “Remus I don’t care if you can’t see a damn thing. “It’s that you’re human.”

“And you’re not.” Remus said softly.

“I think you all forget that. Brand or not, I’m not like you. I’m something different, something far more primitive. And I can run from this island, I can tuck myself away in any corner of the world and it still won’t matter.”

Remus only held him closer. “Then pretend for one night. If you can pretend that i can see well enough to not bowl down half the dance hall, I can pretend that you are entirely human.”

“But it’s going to hurt when we stop pretending.” Sirius said.

“So? I’m sure diving off the cliffs hurt worse.” He gently touched Sirius face. “Regulus told me.”

Several things occurred to Sirius then. Not only that Regulus had talked to Remus at some point, but that he had earned his trust enough that Remus believed him.

“Don’t get mad at your brother, he was only worried.”

“You could have told me.” Sirius said sharply.

“Well you could have told _me_.” Remus countered. “I am here for you- _because_ of you.”

Sirius wanted to counter him, to tell him that it was the other way around, that the only reason this island made any sense was because of _him._ That this island without him was nothing if not a sad relic of a world thankfully forgotten.

They had stopped dancing, but Sirius was not ready to let go. He looked up at Remus, his lips were so close. Remus only had to lower his head a fraction of an inch to close the distance between them.

And then the spell was broken by James, who hurtled into them with such force that he nearly knocked Remus over. He was pale and clammy. “I don’t know what’s going on but Sirius it’s Peter and it’s bad.”

“Go.” Remus said.

And Sirius was chasing after James, a shadow into the night.


End file.
